Friday, August 4, 2017

Reminders and Reflections

Salam alayk guys.

I'm writing this in the middle of the night, and I've have this thought for quite a long time now, and I need to get it out.

First of all, maybe some of you guys have know this, that I'm majoring in Usuluddin and Comparative Religion. Bachelor of Islamic Revealed Knowledge and Heritage.

So the things I learn at college is all about Islam. I take classes on basic Science of Quran, Science of Hadiths, Islamic Jurisdiction, Arabic and so on. But I mostly focus on the philosophy of Islam, Muslim scholars, and most importantly I learn about other religions.

Since I took all those classes, people around me have the expectation that I'd be more knowledgeable than them about Islam. They expect me to be the perfect example. Some called me ustazah, although I dislike the callings but I'd just ameen them.

To be honest, I don't feel comfortable with that. With people that sees me as a person who knows hukm, fluent in Arabic, reads Quran perfectly, displays good characters like how wives of Prophet pbuh did.

Because that is not me. I know that I should know all about that, that their expectations are considered as 'normal' for an IRK student like me. But that's not me. I don't grow up in very Islamic surrounding. Non in my family went to religious school. Non of us have this religious activity where we recites Quran together. We don't have stocks of Islamic books for references.

I grew up as how other kids did. My parents were teachers, they taught me what is basic for Muslim to know. I never went to afternoon religious school when I'm sitting for UPSR.

It's just that my sisters took Arabic for PMR, so I did too. Just that the decision I made that makes me different from my sisters was to wear a longer hijab at school, which I received from my bestfriend. But even then my mom was against me.

Only that my friend was persuasive to see me in that hijab I tried to be strong to wear it. A huge step indeed. But not everyone was supportive. Only my closest friend support me. The others called me hypocrite and such due to my abrupt changes. Thanks to my friend, I've succeeded going through it.

After PMR, I only see it to be the right thing to stay in Arabic classes. Such a waste to leave it, even though it was not my strongest subject. My friends were with me.

For university entrance, I have to admit, this course is definitely not what I really wanted now. I wanted to pursue in science course, but I couldn't, and didn't. I got offered for science matriculation, but it was too far from home, so when I got offer for this course I have to take this one. The mistake I did was I didn't apply for changing course when I was in foundation.

But honestly, sometimes I think it's a blessing I'm studying this course. The reason is that I'd get constant reminder to not stray afar, to be good, then I'm surrounded by good friends. Non of my coursefriends are giving bad influence to me. If this course has done any good to me, is to keep me safe from all the bad things in this world. It is hard to stay on the straight path once you're out of your parents' sights.

Nevertheless, since I'm in my best interest for this course, I have to struggle a lot. For another matter, I'm not the best among my friends, among my batch. Sometimes I feel like I'm studying for the sake of exam, not for the knowledge. I feel so bad. Plus when outsiders ask me Islam related questions, I have to confirm with myself, "do I really know the answer?'.

I hate with such expectations. BECAUSE I'M NOT THAT PERSON!

I admit that I want to strive to be the best Muslim. I want to read more, perform more in terms of ibadah, but the things is I'm just a normal human being with a normal brought up.

Things that I like sometimes aren't align with what people see towards IRK students. I like fashion, I like makeup, I listen to songs, sometimes I dance. I also watch movies, I even go to the cinema. I wish I could do shopping, and I like pretty things. All these girly things. It's in me.

Goodness even if I transform myself to be a super-ustazah like I'm sure those around me will have hard time with me.

Now all that above is the first thing. To tell you who I am. Next I'll tell how Allah loves me.

As a muslims who learns all about Islam and how to spread it, of course it gives a lot of advantage for me, on the spiritual side. Not spiritual side as in I'm religious in my sunah prayers, and all sort of things. But, you know, somehow you're kept safe by Allah, like those huffaz. Something like that.

So, what I want to tell is I'm not a perfect Muslim. Far from it. Not even near those makciks who went tilawah classes. Or men that pray congregationally for all 5 prayers everyday. Or even muslims that are going through changes.

In fact, I feel like I'm a bad Muslim. I don't think I deserve Jannah, but I do want to be in it, desperately. I realize the sins I made, and how grave it is since I know the hukm of it.

Sometimes, I go with my heart eventhough I know it's not the best thing to do.

But you see, when I meet people, who don't have the golden opportunity to study Islam like me, mentioned to me what's considered normal to them their good deeds, I feel stabbed. Crushed. Like, these people, who never went to religious schools, or very religious background, have made efforts to show their love towards Islam more than me.

Like one time, we were talking about group tilawah, 1 day 1 page, and then this one person mentioned that he actually feel burdened on how the members rushed to finish reciting Quran, that if he filled his limited free time to recite his dedicated part rushingly, how is he going to do some tadabbur or read the tafsir?

That, really kills me. That person actually make effort to understand Quran, but I did almost nothing.

That is just one example of how I think I'm being reminded by Allah to do more.

Goodness I feel like really bad seeing I am today. Have I astray? I don't know.

I pray that Allah will keep me in Islam, and guide me to a better life. and I need to practice repentance prayer (solat taubat).

May Allah guide us to His blessings, ameen.

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