.

 I thought this is hormonal.

Like how women always have their ups and downs in their moods?

But this is getting too random.

Stretched out and wide, my whole fiber being.

Most of the time, most of the days.

I feel the rush, the need to do something

to complete something, but my body seemed to stuck in a stroked heat.

It's running wild, wilder than it has ever been

That I'm starting to think things I have never ever dare to think before.

Challenging faith in everything I used to so pride in.

The tension within, it's... heavy, weighing everything down.

Dragging almost all the things I used to preach in.

Getting drown in my own air, how is that even possible?

And I can't seem to able to climb myself out.

And nothing pours out. Just stuck within.

Imagine, being stuck physically in one place, while you're actually running wild to places you shouldn't be in.

I tried to scream, but my head's under water.

Not even a muffled cry, no one heard anything.

Comparatively Successful

Salam and hi guys!

It is currently raining heavily at where I'm at right now, and there's something that I want to share about, which has been hovering inside my mind for a few days now. Well, more like a week.

So about few months ago, we were 'viralled' with news of a UUM graduate graduating with  3.99  and hence awarded with Anugerah Pelajaran Diraja (Royal Education Award?). Not only that, the course that she was majoring was pretty new at the time, Bachelor of Law, Philosophy, and Business, and from I've read, this course is pretty difficult, I mean combining law, philosophy, and business? Whose idea is that?

Well it's not just her. My fellow highschool mate was also awarded with the same award, and she also got straight A+ for her SPM. And also all other successful, genius, and amazing stories which always got me thinking, why can't I do that?

Why I can't be like them? Why am I not as excellent in my academic or any other area that I can be heavily proud of?

Once back in school, my senior teacher assistant told us during the assembly the story of the youngest writer in Malaysia that debuted her novel in her teen. My thought back then was, why was it wasn't me? I mean I write stories too, I even write Malay poetry back in school. Why I didn't get any of my work published and have something that I can tell? Something that add value to my self worth?

I don't know if it's just me or there are other people who compares themselves with other people's achievements. Like why can't I be the one?

Until one day my economics lecturer said, rephrased, it is normal for students to fail, or to not get what they want or to achieve their target, you may target A+ for this subject but you might end up with a B instead. These things are normal. It is the hardship of a student that you will have to face.

What she said, has hit me in a way.

She made me realised that, I deserve everything that I have received. And in another thought, I also realised that everyone has different capabilities; different speed at learning, different method of studying, different mental capabilities, everyone is just different. And my difference is what God has given me. The UUM graduate's exceptional academic excellence is what God has given her through her mental capability.

I just have to be grateful with what I have, and acknowledge what is it about me that makes me different from everyone else. I need to believe that I am outstanding in a way, and continuously work to that. Improve and work at my own pace, as long as I'm improving, I am doing it right.

It is unhealthy to comparing ourselves success' and others' success. Everyone leads different life, with different background, different mentality, different support system, and so much more. Although that comparative thought often occur to me unconsciously, as soon as I'm putting down myself in that comparative thought, I need to take a break and count my blessings and be grateful.

I need to teach myself that instead of being negative and comparing my success and others' successes, I should be happy for them, learn from them, and be grateful instead. This way I can lead a happier life while improving it along the way.

I've seen that people on Twitter are quoting the tweet that asks 'what's your toxic trait?' and directly answer the question. I don't like the way people are anwering the question, but here I'm gonna put my answer and it is to constantly comparing myself with people that are known for their early successes, and now I'm going to train myself to not do so anymore, and be happier for people and myself instead.

It is time to really lead a positive life, and rocketing to infinity.

Twitter nation and kindness

Salam 'alayk and hi guys!

I'm sure almost everyone that's tech-savvy has a Twitter account, right? So today, I want to share my concern about what's been going on on Twitter these days, or more like these few years and this thing has been frustrating my brain and my heart and it feels it needed to be let out!

So hear my thought.

All of us, generally since little we have been taught to be kind to people. At home our parents keep telling us to be kind to our siblings and share our toys, or be kind to people and always say thank you and sorry when it's due. At school we were indoctrinated to be kind to people in general, to respect the elderly, to say good morning or say our salaam to the teachers, to be nice to the young and with our peers. What more in Malaysia we have Pendidikan Islam, Pendidikin Sivik, and Pendidikan Moral that focus intensely on moral and ethics for schoolchildren.

Basically we have been taught to always be nice and kind to people. It is a common teaching, regardless of our religions or races. So considering all those 18 years of indoctrination to always be nice and be kind, shouldn't it be a common sense to all of us?

This is what my concern is all about.

On Twitter, every single day, I read and see countless of demeaning and degrading tweets that I found unnecessary. People quote a person's tweet and say bad thing about him/her, people reply to pictures and criticize badly about a person's appearance and such, some just find fault in others' tweets and slap slanders onto others. I don't get it. Where gone all our mannerism and kindness?

I know there are kindness on Twitter. However those are kindness that are obviously shown? Like people help finding their lost kin, donation drive and more. It's obvious those kindness. What I want to emphasize is our daily life, daily conversations that may seem unimportant but shows so much of our manners and attitude and most importantly of our heart.

Especially when people exchanges ideas or knowledge or opinions, I don't understand why some people can't show their disagreement with manners. Do they really have to include profanities in their sentences? Do they have to be mean and degrade the person lowly? Just to show how disagree they are? Is it that important? Is portraying and shoving people your ideas/knowledge harshly that necessary?

I just cannot brain this.

What more with the awareness on mental health these days. People advocate for this awareness, but they don't act with it?

They think saying harsh words on screen would not affect much to people? What, they deserve it? How do you know they deserve all the profanities and curses and the inhospitable words you throw? Like I said, do you really know how their lives has been going on?

Stupid. That's it. I said it. People who pretend to advocate for mental health are stupid for not acting like they are. They know depression is a real issue in Malaysia yet they can't afford to be nice to people they don't know? Brainless. WALK THE TALK PEOPLE!

What makes me mad even more is that the people I often see do this unkind and mean things are those. so. called. tweetfamous. People look up to them, they have thousands and thousand of followers from various background, especially the schoolkids, and these people without second thought would follow what they do. These tweefamous (god I hate this word) think they are holy, free of judgment, always right and all because they have their followers who would support them in whatever they do. Not everyone know that they need to filter the things they read and see and therefore know which to take and apply in their lives or which to frown upon. Not everyone know the practicality of buang yang keruh, ambil yang jernih.

So I got disappointed when some Twitter accounts that I respected do these kind of things. Just.. why can't people be nice?


You might disagree with what I said. It is okay. Everyone have their own perspectives and opinions on this issue (yes I think of this as a serious issue that need to be addressed). I am just.. sad and frustrated over this issue. Seems simple but being kind or being awful unknowingly can impact so much in someone's life.

Berbudi & Berbahasa; Kelemahan Bangsa Melayu

Assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera!

Dalam kesibukkan dan perasaan yang sungguh stress dengan sistem UIA yang tak membantu pelajar ni, ramai betul yang berbalas kata dekat medsos; antara pihak yang tertindas dan pihak yang rasa tertindas ni manja. LOL

Bila tengok/baca pertingkahan kata antara dua pihak ni, tercetus satu perkara dalam fikiran; Melayu dan budi bahasa. Orang kata Melayu ni terkenal dengan budi dan bahasanya. Sopan santun, baik, lemah lembut. Kekuatan bangsa Melayu paling hebat dari zaman Kesultanan Melaka hingga sekarang (walupun santun sekarang kurang banyaknya).

Walaubagaimanapun, saya rasa budi dan bahasa Melayu inilah yang menjadi kekurangan bangsa Melayu. It's like a double-edge sword.

Kenapa budi dan bahasa milik bangsa Melayu ni satu kelemahan?

Bangsa Melayu ni bahasa yang terlalu menjaga kesantunan. Kalau ikut tradisi bangsa Melayu, bahasa yang digunakan mestilah menyedapkan, tak mengguris hati, berlapik dan menjaga perasaan. Eh tapi tu kan benda bagus?

Betul itu perkara bagus. Yang tak bagus bila ia melibatkan permasalahan, perselisihan, atau masalah penyampaian maklumat. Contohnya; peribahasa Melayu: yang tua dihormati, yang muda disayangi. Tradisinya, yang muda tak punya suara untuk meluahkan, dan yang tua punya kuasa. Dalam kes masalah sistem UIA ni, bila pelajar-pelajar meluahkan perasaan tak puas hati, pelajar-pelajar dihentam kembali sebab berlaku & dianggap biadap, kurang ajar, dan tak menghormati institusi akademik yang mencurahkan ilmu kepada pelajar-pelajar. Apa orang kata, tak berkat? Haa gitulah.

Kalau macam inilah bangsa Melayu, macam mana Melayu nak maju? Kena sentiasa menjaga perasaan dan adab kesopanan? Bukanlah saya kata nak selesaikan masalah ktia kena biadap. Tapi kita kena bezakan antara kebiadapan dan constructive criticism. Kalau betul pun orang tu biadap dalam meluahkan perasaan dia, amalkan peribahasa buang yang keruh, ambil yang jernih.

Orang Melayu ni terlalu ekstrim dalam menjaga tradisi dan budaya. Dalam mereka menjerkah orang muda kerana berlaku 'biadap', mereka juga telah melepaskan 'prinsip' mereka dalam berbudi dan berbahasa. Pertelingkahan yang berlaku antara dua generasi yang berbeza ni secara tak langsung menonjolkan juga sikap tidak professional sebab saling menghentam.

I really hate it when the elder ones think they can dictate the younger just because they are older. It's a form of fallacy, you know?

Percayalah, umur bukan ukuran kematangan dalam berfikir.

Ingat, buang yang keruh, ambil yang jernih.

Little Forest 2018 (Korean Movie)

Salam 'Alayk and hey guys!

So right now I want to share with you guys about Little Forest!

Little Forest is a 2018 korean movie that is relaxing, no-conflict, with nature vibe and aesthetic! I love the cinematography, how they portray the whole movie with that soft green nature vibe. It gave me the feeling of calm and makes me suddenly want to go have a garden for myself.

This is Wiki's synopsis on Little Forest:

The story of a young woman who returns to her childhood home, in a traditional Korean village, after leaving for the big city in pursuit of what turned out to be an elusive dream. When she gets home, her mother isn't there - but her mother's "Little Forest", the many ways in which a single mother successfully made a home for her much loved child, unfurl with a long succession of lovingly sketched details involving mostly food preparation.

The unfurling moments are lightly but lovingly shared with two childhood friends, one of whom also abandoned their elusive dream of success in the big city (Seoul) and the other who is still pursuing the small town equivalent of that elusive dream -- without ever leaving home.

Well the movie doesn't really say about the mother, where she gone to, is she dead or what. But it really focuses on the young woman, Hye Won (by Lee Tae Ri), how she lead her life at her home, while actually running away from her reality.

I know it said about cooking preparation. Yes the movie does show how Hye Won uniquely prepares her food, her sentimental elements on the food she made with memories of her mother, and mostly of Korean traditional food (at least I think it is). But the movie also show how she went to her friend's apple orchard, her own garden, how she made food with vegetables and fruits fresh from her yard. It is just awesome.

And from that part itself, it just shows that nature, trees, there are so much things we can do with them when give to them. You know like the phrase that says if you give to nature, the nature will gives you back (not exactly the words, but that's basically what it means). The nature vibe from this movie, it... it really fits its title, Little Forest.

It's like you have your own little forest. The place you seek tranquility, peace whenever you feel troubled. Or when you're having writer's block, or when you need some inspiration, this little forest is where you'll go to clean up you head and take a deep breath and have a new perspective. It's just supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (which just means amazing, but IT IS AMAZING!)!

After watching this movie, what I had in my head for a whole week was to own an orchard, grow my own food, and open to neighbours and friends and family for self-pick their desired food (and pay by weight). Sounds great. Sound like I could really make it real. #butrealitycheck

Either way, this movie is a must for those who are searching for #goodvibe movie, trying to relax and chill with the loved ones. PLUS, Little Forest won top 11 films from 38th Korean Association of Film Critics Award! Very impressive!

So now go head up to Youtube and search for this movie (yes it's there)! I know I don't tell much what this movie is all about, but I can't spoil the storyline! You have to watch it yourself.

Little Forest, definitely my new favourite movie of a whole new genre.

Pride & Prejudice (2005 movie)

Salam 'alayk and heyya guys!

Today, I am gonna rant on my favourite classic movie; Pride & Prejudice (2005)!

I haven't read the novel, but I just got my hand on the its sister novel, Emma. Either way, I keep falling and falling in love with this movie!

First, it is undeniable that I have a thing with British movies/shows. It's just that there's this aura, the British air that intrigue me so much, like they have so much elegance and their manners in conversing.. is just my type.

ESPECIALLY if it's set in the 15th or 16th century, or anywhere near their enlightenment era. It is just so cool! Plus, one thing I really like about British shows is that they often use sarcasm or joke in a serious way, in which that not all people can detect it. You get what I mean? It's like they have their own way in using sarcasm, that in first sight it doesn't look rude and just their usual elegance way of talking. LOL at me.

Anyway, back to Pride & Prejudice. This is my biggest romance movie ever! The romance is just subtle, it doesn't have that over the top cringy scenes, non of that PDA or excessive skinship, I can say that it is even appropriate for the underage kids.

Both Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett literally depict the title; pride and prejudice. Mr. Darcy is the person with pride, and Lizzy (Elizabeth) is the one with prejudice towards Mr. Darcy. And both of these pride and prejudice are what stopping them finding their romance in each other at the first place.

My favourite character for this movie is obviously Elizabeth Bennett. She is just so sensible? Like in that era, all girls were all about guys, getting married and such (at least that's what I see from the movie). It was a big deal for them on what age they got married. For example, Lizzy's bestfriend, Charlotte got married at the age of 27, and that was already considered as the late age, everyone else was looking down on her (well except Lizzy. She doted on her). But Lizzy, Lizzy is an avid reader.

Charlotte and Lizzy

Lizzy read a lot of books. Even the intro was on Lizzy walking back home while reading a book. Therefore, that makes her a lot more sensible, more knowledgeable than her sisters. In fact, she was the one who cared the most for her sisters, even more than her parents.

When her older sister Jane became sick at the Bingley's, Lizzy was the most concerned about her, and her parents couldn't care less. Lizzy walked from her house to the Bingley's (I forgot the name of the mansion), that her dress hem was soaked in mud. On other part, Lizzy tried to persuade her father to stop her youngest sister Lydia from marrying Mr. Wickham, because she knows Mr. Wickham was not an honest person.

The Bennet Sisters

Other than that, Lizzy is also her father's favourite, due to her quickness and intelligence in comparison to her sisters. Mrs Bennet was not really favoring her because she's not as pretty as Jane or as 'humorous' as Lydia, but I can say Elizabeth is the most interesting and pretty out of all her sisters.

Aaannd, Elizabeth Bennet was portrayed by Keira Knightley and she was sooooo prettyy in that movie! I. Am. So. In. Love!

Knightley looked so natural, she was not like the top shining bright beauty, but she is beautiful in her own way. I really love her smiles in the movie. How can Mr. Darcy not fall in love with her!

So... yeah. I'm done rambling on Pride and Prejudice, and Lizzy. But only on this blog. I could ramble on this movie on and on for hours, days!

So if any of you guys haven't watch the movie, or read the book, go do it now! I'm sure aside from the slow romance plot line, we can learn a lot on English language and British society in the 19th century (the time setting for Pride & Prejudice).

Women and their hormonal ride

Salam 'alayk and heyya guys!

We all know that generally women would have to go that period of time once a month right? And not everyone (even females) have the idea how torturing and frustrating it is, going through that time.

I, originally was never the type that had to go through painful cramps and terrible mood swings. Mine was always the cool and relax one, I could still have fun and all, to the one point I started questioned why would girls in schools skip school days whenever they entered that phase?

My, my, I regret questioning that.

IT IS PAINFUL! Once while I was walking back from class to my room, I had to stop at the sports center just to sit and crouch. I was sweating. It was like only 2 minutes walking distance to my room, yet I had to stop, because it was excruciating.

On emotional part, so far alhamdulillah I never had that emotional outburst or that sudden temper. But usually I do get easily irritated and annoyed days before. Feels like there's fire in me (I can be superwoman yeah).

But yesterday. Yesterday, I felt like crying out of nowhere. Someone asked my opinion and I felt a tug at my heart. I wanted to study but I couldn't, I was feeling melancholic. But I couldn't cry! That's the thing, and it's double frustrating.

There's this thread on twitter, on women sharing their emotional rides during that time of the month. What they had to go through was much more terrible! Like, she get to eat a good cookie then she outburst in tears? Thank God I am not like that.

Yet, not everyone knows how we feel, what we're going through. They don't know what our biological system in our bodies do to us. They don't understand the feelings we have to go through. They don't get our emotional rides.


May Allah gives people surrounding women a deep understanding on us. May Allah gives us women a huge strength going through our days. Ameen.