Well secured

Assalamualaikum, peace be upon you.


Ever since I was sitting for the exam, on the very first day, I have been thinking this up until now.

At school, I rarely know people or mend with other students. The one that I will be with were my only classmates and ex-classmate(s) that I really close to.
 Even, not all my classmates I can talk to and laugh with, especially the boys.

Girls and boys in my class were and still are well seperated (not that seperated that we dont talk or associate at all) since we were guided closely by our favorite ustaz Aziz and ustazah Rohana.

I never know other students aside from my classmates. I mean, i've been in the same stream since I was in form 1, it was (and is) hard to create new friends out from existed cycle. Even after PMR, when the KAA students seperated and went on with their own desired stream, I rarely talk to them or even smile at them (except for 1 friend) because, i thought it was awkward.


Some of my classmates managed to made friends from other classes through hostel and curricular activity, but i dont know i just seem cant step out and introduce myself.

Plus, im not good at expressing myself. Even my close friends sometimes take my words the other way.

Sometimes I thought its because me staying with the same class, same friends and same environment that keep me from seeing other world, from knowing how other people mind work, or how to associate with people who is not seeing things the way I see.

I just feel, well secured.


Now, SPM has passed. Right now I have to pray and tawakkal for my result, and embrace myself for my tertiary education.


The latter, is what on my mind.


Of course, when you go to new place, you will meet new friends. But i kinda doubt how i will do that.
I am such an awkward person. The only friends from primary school that I maintain the relationships with are only a few less than 5 persons.

Just because. ... Im afraid of what the other party might thought of me.

I am so self conscious.


So, I just wonder how I will get along with my future roommates, classmates, friends in college.
I feel scared at the thought of it.


because i think people think Im arrogant. because i dont make eye contact, that sometimes i missed to greet the teacher waiting at the back gate. and i always walk straight, either head high or head down. just to avoid people.


sigh. how am i going to survive in the future if im like this?